


I Will Love You Endlessly

by orphan_account



Category: All Time Low
Genre: FTM, M/M, Trans Male Character, female to male
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-29
Updated: 2014-12-29
Packaged: 2018-03-04 04:41:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,047
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2947772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex has never felt comfortable in her skin. But there’s no way anyone would understand that, especially her husband.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Will Love You Endlessly

**Author's Note:**

> Involves transgender character. FTM.

Alex POV

Growing up, I was what most would call a tomboy. I played with toy cars, played a lot of sport, and hung out with boys. I never wore dresses and the most girly thing about me was my long brown hair because my mom wouldn't let me cut it.

Truthfully, I'd always known there was something different about me. I'd never felt comfortable in my own skin. The prospect of getting boobs, and my period terrified me. Not in the way it scared other girls, others seemed excited by it actually. 

Truth was, I knew deep down I wasn't a girl. I wanted, or more so needed, to be a guy. I'd always seen myself was one. It was my stupid body that decided otherwise though.

The only true comfort I had was music. I sang, I played guitar, and I wrote. I loved it. When I was in middle school I met and quickly became best friends with a guy named Jack and we started a band. We toured and worked so much that I didn't have much time to really think about the whole, wanting to be a guy thing. 

I was a front woman, so I got a lot of respect for that. People, especially teenage girls, looked up to me. If I became a guy, I'd let so many people down.

And then there's Jack. Jack and I have been together since the end of high school. Six years of a dating and three years of marriage. Nine long years. If I became a guy, would he leave me? He was straight as a pole, so it was likely. Then what would that do for the band? Would Jack leave? Would I get kicked out?

I stood in front of the mirror, running my fingers through my waist length hair. It was still long since I was too scared to cut it off. To make any transition really. Every time I got my period was awful; aside from the obvious, it was a monthly reminder I wasn't a guy.

“Babe! You have to go to the We Are the In Crowd set, remember?” I heard Jack call. Right. I had to go sing Kiss Me Again with my friend Tay. It was Warped, so I knew people were anticipating it. 

“Right!” I called back. I got out of the tour bus bathroom and walked to the front of the bus. “Ready.” I said and Jack nodded taking my hand.

“Remember to come to our set right after.” Our tour manager Matt, reminded us.

“Got it!” Jack and I called.

We got to the back stage and We Are the In Crowd were already on. Kiss Me Again was the last song, and I went on in a little under ten minutes.

“Alex Barakat?” a tech asked and I nodded. He had to set me up, but I definitely noticed he wasn't looking at my face.

“Eyes up, buddy.” I heard Jack snap at him. The tech looked at Jack and after a two second stare down the guy's eyes landed on my face and he set me up.

Jack was kind of protective over me. Not obsessive, but since I was far from lacking in the boob department, guys would quite obviously stare at my chest. Whenever Jack was around, I knew he had to stop himself from tearing their throats out. 

“You're done.” the guy said and left me and Jack alone.

“Dickhead.” Jack muttered.

“Babe, relax.” I said, kissing his cheek. 

“I just hate when they look at you like a piece of meat.” he said. 

I pecked his lips. “I'm yours. Got the ring and the name to prove it.” I grinned.

He smiled at me and kissed my forehead. “And don't you forget it.” he mumbled into my forehead.

…

I sang Kiss Me Again with Tay. That'd always been a fun song to sing and the fans went crazy over it. And I did my own set which was fun as usual too. 

Right now I was on the tour bus playing Mario Cart with Jack and Zack. Video games were a great way to pass time when we were on the road. I was sitting comfortably in a pair of Jack's boxers and his Boner shirt which was a few sizes too big on me since I was quite small. 

“Who threw the fucking blue shell?” Jack asked.

“Sorry babe.” I smirked as I drove right past him into first place.

“No fair!” he whined.

“Don't be a baby.” I said as I rode first place until Jack rear ended me. 

“Jack!” I whined as he got past me. 

“'Sorry babe.'” Jack said in a high pitched voice to imitate me. 

“Dickhead.” I muttered.

“You love me.” he said in a sing song voice.

“Unfortunately.” But I grinned when he abandoned the game and tackled me onto the couch, causing me to go into a fit of giggles. 

“Jesus Christ guys. Save that for later. Like when I'm not in the room.” Zack said no doubt rolling his eyes. 

“Our love cannot wait, Zachary.” Jack replied, lips on my neck.

“Whatever, I'm gonna go throw up. And no sex on the couch.” 

“That was one time!” Jack argued, lifting his head to look at Zack. “And it was only because Alex can be as horny as a teenage boy.”

“As opposed to when you were a teenage boy?” I asked, sending him a raised eyebrow. 

“Didn't need to know that.” Zack said and he left the room closing the door behind him.

“Well, we got rid of him.” Jack grinned, retuning to gaze his lips to my neck.

“Yeah, you scared him off.” I said, playing with his hair as Jack laughed softly into my neck. 

He hovered over me, looking down at my face. “You're really beautiful, you know that right?”

“You tell me it enough.” I said.

“'Cause you are.” He leaned down so he was inches away from my face. “I love you so much, Lexi.” he said softly.

“I love you too.” I replied. “You'll love me no matter what, right?” I asked.

“Of course, Lexi.” he replied. “I love you so much, nothing's gonna change that.”

“Are you sure?” I asked. “Like, I don't know, even if I had short hair and no boobs?”

He gave me a raised eye brow. “It'd still be you, and honestly you'd still be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.” He kissed my forehead. “Is something up?”

I shook my head. “No, I... I'm fine.” I lied.

He frowned at me. “You sure.” he asked, stroking his thumb along my cheekbone. 

“I'm am.” I said. 

He brushed my hair out of my face. “Okay. But if something's up, please tell me, okay. You're my wife, and I'll always be here to support you, okay.”

I nodded and sighed, pushing his chest and sitting up. “I'm kind of tired, so I'm gonna go bed.” I said.

“Okay, baby.” he said. 

…

I was hanging out at a bar with some of the other girls. Tay, Jenna, and Jess. We tended to hang out a lot during Warped. 

“Are you and Jack fighting?” Jenna asked out of nowhere.

I gave her a surprised look. “What? No. Why?” I asked.

“You just seem kind of... off lately.” she said. “Are you pregnant?”

I was caught off guard by the question. “What? No! Definitely not. And no, Jack and I aren't fighting. He's been nothing but perfect.” And that was true. For all the years of our relationship, and even before he asked me out, he'd been the perfect. Whether it was the perfect best friend or the perfect husband. He'd always just been perfect. 

“Defensive much?” Tay muttered. 

“We're not fighting and I'm definitely not pregnant; I swear.” I said. “And what do you mean by 'off'?” I asked.

“I don't know.” Jenna shrugged. “Just, off. Like you've been thinking about something; I don't know. What's up?”

In truth, I'd gone back to thinking about being a guy. Maybe no one would care. Or at least Jack. Maybe he wouldn't leave me. He'd said he'd love me no matter what. Maybe even if I started living as a guy, and maybe if I had the surgery. 

Who am I kidding? Maybe if I cut my hair short, but there's no way he would stick around if I got the sex change. Zero chance. Straight as a pole, boob loving Jack would run for the hills. Our marriage and the band would be down the drain.

“You're doing it again.” Jenna said, snapping me out of my thoughts. 

“It's nothing, really.” I lied. 

“Well if you insist.” Jenna said, unsure. 

“I am.” I replied.

…

I was snuggled up to Jack's side at the back of the tour bus, watching Orange is the New Black at Jess's request. She went on about how great the show was and Jack and I wanted a new show to watch. 

What caught me off guard was something I didn't know; there was a trans character. She was a trans woman. I glanced at Jack, who had a raised brow. 

“Wow, you'd never be able to tell she's a guy.” he said.

“What do you think of that?” I asked. “Like, how she had a sex change?” 

This was the decider. It really was. His response will probably be the shaper of our marriage.

“Uh, I don't know. I don't know anything about it.” he said, his attention more on the TV than me.

“What if someone you knew got a sex change?” I asked, biting down on my lip.

He turned back to me, give me a really confused look. “I wouldn't care... why are you even asking?”

I bit my lip, hard. So hard I tasted blood as tears pricked my eyes. 

“Lex, seriously. What's wrong? I can tell something's been bothering you all week.” 

“I'm just, fucking sick and tired.” I said.

“Of what?” he asked.

I sniffled and stood up. “Just of everything.”

“'Everything'? What do you mean?” he asked standing up and trying to hold me but I stepped away.

“How everyone sees me. How you see me.” I was sobbing at this point. “I've tried so hard to pretend like everything's okay. But I can't.”

“Lexi, baby, what are you talking about?” he asked concern written all over his face. 

I stood up and walked into the front room and opened the draw. I ignored Zack, Rian, and the crews' questions, as well as Jack's questions. I finally found what I was looking for; the scissors. I practically slammed the draw shut and darted for the bathroom and locking the door behind me. I took a deep breath in the mirror, staring at myself through my tear blurred vision. I could hear Jack's voice on the other side of the door, begging me to tell him what's wrong and I could hear the crew's questions of 'what the fuck did you do to her?' Jack replying loudly with 'I did nothing to her.'

Her. Her. Her.

I am not her.

I took a thick piece of my hair and closed the scissors over it. I watched fall into the sink. That one snip was my breaking point and I started to, almost violently, cut my hair while sobbing. I ignored Jack's calls of begging me to open the door, desperately asking me to tell him what's wrong and to let him in. 

When there was no more hair long enough to cut, I set down the scissors. The only sound left was my quite sobs and Jack's soft knocks. 

“Baby, please open.” Jack said softly.

“Talk about PMS.” I heard Vinny's muffled voice say.

“Shut the fuck up, Vinny.” Jack snapped. Another point of how he was protective over me; he never discredited how I felt. Hence why he got so mad over the comment.

Maybe he would understand. Maybe. I unlocked the door and cracked it open. Jack looked at me. “Can I come in?” he asked softly.

I nodded and opened it wide enough for him to come in. He looked at me, but he looked relieved. “Jesus Christ, you scared me to death. I thought you hurt yourself or something.” 

I wrapped my arms around his waist, resting my forehead on his chest. He returned the hold, and set us down onto the floor, pulling me onto his lap. He gently rubbed my back, soothingly. 

“You gonna tell me what's wrong?” he asked when I stopped crying.

“No.” I mumbled into his chest. 

He was silent for a moment, before he spoke up again. “Remember our wedding?” Jack reminisced. “You were so beautiful. You've always been, but that was the day I was like 'yeah fuckers, that beautiful woman is mine.'”

I laughed softly. “And we danced to our song.” I said. “A Rocket to the Moon's, I Do.” I said.

“Because it's the perfect thing that describes our relationship. I can't believe you're mine, I always love you more than I thought I did, and you can't decide on a fucking hair colour.”

“Remember how I joked about wearing pants.” I said.

“Yeah, because you hate dresses.” he said. “You said the same thing for prom.”

“You remember that?” I asked, surprised.

“Yeah. I also remember all the guys that asked you simply because of your boobs.”

“I remember. And I knew you wanted to ask me. Not because of the boobs, but because you actually liked me. But you were too scared to ask me.” I pecked his lips. 

“Then I finally did, after you spent like, two weeks hinting at it. And I'm so happy I did.” he said. “Losing you would be the absolute worst, honestly. I love you, so so much.” 

I nodded. “I know. I love you too.”

He ran his fingers through my chopped locks. “You're still so beautiful with short hair.” he said softly. “Like I told you earlier this week. Still so beautiful.”

I bit my lip. I had to tell him. I had to.

“Jack...” I started.

“Yeah?” he asked, and I could see the relief of me finally telling him but also the fear of what it might be. He's probably imagining the worst. What if he brought up our wedding because he thinks I wanted to break up? That's the worst thing that could happen.

“Well, you know how in the show we were watching, there was that woman that... was a guy but became a woman?”

“Yeah...”

“Well... I'm... I'm that. The opposite way though. I'm... I'm a guy. Just with a vagina.” 

The words spilt out so quickly. I buried my face into his neck, not wanting to see his reaction. He at least wasn't pushing me away disgusted. He was stiff. 

He finally broke the silence. “So... you're a guy?” he asked. 

“Mhm.” I mumbled into his neck.

“Well, uh. What are we gonna do about this?” he asked, and I was shocked over the 'we'. 

“Wait, you're cool with this?” I asked, pulling my head up.

“Of course.” He said. “Like I said, I'd love you no matter what. I'm not gonna lose you over some stupid gender thing.” he said. “So, like I asked, what do we need to do?” He asked

And yeah, I smiled at the 'we'. “I really really need to be a guy.” I said.

He nodded. “I really know nothing about the whole thing. So like, what will it involve outside of dressing like a guy?”

“Well, it's hard to pass as a guy with these things.” I said, pointing to my boobs. “I'll wear over sized hoodies, but nothing's really going to hide them. Not even a binder. So I'm stuck with them until I get rid of them.”

He nodded. “Okay, what else?”

“Pronouns.” I said. “He, him, his. I'll keep my name since it's unisex.”

He nodded. “Anything else?”

“And... call me your husband?” I bit my lip. I was asking for a lot.

He nodded again. “Okay.”

“And I want to go on testosterone. That will pretty much turn me into a guy, but uh... a sex change will do it completely. And I really want that.”

“You're making it sound like you're asking me.” he said. “Baby, you do what you want. You don't need my permission.”

“But you'll be affected too.” I said. “I won't be who you've known since we were teenagers.”

“Will you still be the Alex that loves dogs, space, and Halloween?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I won't care.” he stated.

“What about... sex?” I asked, biting down on my lip. 

He sighed. “It really won't be a big deal. Yes, it'll take some getting used to. Everything will. But I love you. That's why I married you. That's why I'm still with you after nine years. Do you really think I'd leave you for something as stupid as you getting a penis? I'm not shallow like that.”

“So, we're good?” I asked.

“Perfect.” and he kissed me. “We've always been perfect.”

“This last thing is kind of major.” I said. “Uh, well the testosterone will change my voice and take a while until it get's to its deepest. And getting a penis will take a few surgeries. So... I don't think the band should be going if that's going on.” I bit my lip, looking down. “Like, just until I've fully transitioned.”

He took a moment before he replied. “So you think the band should go on hiatus?” he asked.

I nodded. “We can afford the surgeries and everything. That's not an issue. But I want my voice to be as deep as it can get before we like, record the next album. Or do shows.”

He sighed. “Do you want me to explain this to the guys?” he asked. 

I groaned, remembering them. “They're just gonna think I've gone psycho.” I said. 

“I'm sure they'll understand.” Jack said, brushing my hair out of my face. “You know, I think you'll make a great looking guy.” He said. “Maybe in two years, no one would guess you were a girl.”

I grinned at him. “How'd I get so lucky?”

“I ask myself that question everyday.”

**Author's Note:**

> My [Tumblr](http://caraphatash.tumblr.com/)


End file.
